The Day I Gave Up On You

I settled sitting in the front row in full knowledge that you are about to give a talk. When you started talking, I just knew you were in your element. God, you are confident. You imprisoned the crowd with your words and natural charm.

But, something was wrong in the picture
I’m not captured anymore
I wasn’t smiling whenever you glanced at me
Your words were empty
In that instant, I knew it was the day.

The day I gave up on you.

TheDayIGaveUpOnYou

To be honest, it was surreal. I felt like the world had started and ended all at the same time. In truth, I was afraid of what life would look like without you. I’ve never been afraid like that. Yet, I’m in seventh heaven knowing that I am about to enter a “new” life.

So allow me to share my line of thoughts while you were passionately delivering your talk during that day. The day I gave up on you. . .

You deserve an award for doing things the way you do.
I recalled the day when you were miles away and caught up with meetings upon meetings. You can’t barely touch a plate of food yet you insisted to check my proposal paper at work. It was something that I could have done, but you wanted to take at least one thing off my plate while you were away. Thank you for always, always putting me on top of your priorities.

For the record, I love it when you take a stand in saying “no.”
“No, eat! No, not that dress. No, you have to rest. No, you are not going to that party. No, you have to save. No, you can’t give up. No, we will wait and pray. No, we will do it together. No, not without me.

You have managed to keep me inside our own bubble with your safe boundaries. How can I make you understand that I am stronger than what you think? You have to let me make my own mistakes and learn from it.

Don’t get me wrong. I love every minute of it. But looking back, I have not taken any fair share of risks over our time together. I remembered the nights you spent worrying about my bold plans and me pursuing new things. That’s the problem of being with someone who pursues dreams. You get dragged into adventures you never signed up for.

It was too late when I realized that many of my dreams became nightmares to you. For that, I am truly sorry.

I would do “us” all over again… even if I knew it would end like this.
Yes, we have done amazing things out of this, but even if there was no spontaneous long drives, random handwritten notes, and your charming little surprises… I still would have chosen you. I’m a better and different person today because of you. I cannot imagine going through life without any real time with you.

You are an incredibly breathtaking man.
We both know I’m not easy to love. I’m beyond stubborn, make jokes in every unnecessary situation, have the worst timing, can become in full swing of sarcasm, not friendly, can be lazy at times and the long list would continue. Yet, you were always ready with your southern charm and classy manners to correct my brash nature and follow me into another venture. You somehow breathe out love and I breathe it in. You are too good of a person. You will never fully know how much I studied your example during our time together.

I will always be a fan.
When God told me to completely let go of you, He was also letting me know that He would open new doors for us. And He did. I was the happiest person alive when you shared with me the news that you finally got the deal that you have been working on for months. You’ve worked hard on that. How can you expect the opposite? I wish I could tell you as well that I finally took that step to enroll in Graduate School and would probably leave the country soon. The dreams are finally turning into reality. But when all else fails, do know that I’m always going to be around… because I’m a fan. Always will be.

Flash forward to the “now”
The day I gave up on you.
There was an overwhelming response from the crowd
You were about to receive an award.

You looked at me and was alarmed when you saw me in tears.
We talked.
Your words
“. . .is that so?”

The day I gave up on you was also the day we went back to our first day.
For us, that’s where “we” started.

And so I’m happy that that is where we are ending.
As great friends.
I love that we still talk about our lives, plans, movies, music, and people.
All credit goes to the Guy above because, we ended “us” well.
Better than I could have imagined.

I had the taste of every word in Romans 8:28, because of us.

“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.”

14 thoughts on “The Day I Gave Up On You

  1. Abigail says:

    Awwww…how very encouraging and very touching! I wish all break ups would end that way. God bless you, dear Miss Joena for writing this. I applaud how you put the words together & still give all the glory to God. Indeed, everything works together for good to those who love HIM. The one for you will come…in God’s perfect time.
    God bless you!

    1. joenasandiego says:

      Hi Ms. Abigail! Wow! You are here in my blog… in one of my most vulnerable blogs. Yay! Thank you for your kind words. God’s perfect time has always been the most beautiful thing for me, Miss. 🙂

  2. Chester Anter says:

    This is AMZAEBALLS!!!!! broken hearted din ang peg ko but slowly i am regaining myself and becoming a better version of me… Kudos Joena ^_^

  3. whatif says:

    bakit ganun, bat medyo naiyak ako? Hahaha! Waaa. so inspiring. I love reading your stories dear. :*

  4. Yna says:

    So nag-break kayo na ganun na lang? I don’t think God would allow two people who are inlove to simply give up. Kung mahal mo ang isang tao, di ka susuko. Bakit mo pinakawalan?!

  5. Alexandra Leonardo says:

    You are such a brave soul for writing this. It’s something too personal that if I were in your shoes, I may not be able to write it. But I think it helped that you guys ended well. When you come back to the Philippines, I hope my friend and I could meet with you. Pleaaaase ❤ Over cheesecake and fruit juice! (I'm not a fan of tea) hahaha God bless you! 🙂

    1. joenasandiego says:

      Hi, Alexandra! 😊 Thank you for noticing the bravery. Yay. Took so much of God’s grace and obedience on my end. But hey, that’s a great idea. Looking forward to meet you both, ladies. 😊

  6. Jane says:

    I have read your blogs and it brought tears to my eyes. I wish i could talk or pm you for a piece of advice. God bless you

  7. Titser Mai says:

    “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” -Romans 8.28

    What a brave soul. I have felt every word. Keep trusting God. God bless your heart, Miss Joena.

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