It’s my external disk drive.

And I know some of you might stop reading from there and could even react, “For goodness sake Joena. Just buy yourself a new one.”

But you don’t understand. Almost half of my life is in that drive. I put everything there. All my work files. My important documents. My digital arts. The photos I took ages ago. The SDEs I created for special occasions. And oh my, my favorite movies.

All gone.

How can that happen? I just have everything this morning and now…

I am coming back home as a lost soul.

I honestly don’t know what to do tomorrow. I felt so incomplete that it hurts.

Then all of a sudden I hear a familiar voice said, “Girl, imagine if you’re the one I lost? I would lose everything.”

It was God expressing His perfect love to me. I got reminded of how He delights in knowing someone like me.

In Him, I am more than all the important documents combined. I am far greater than meaningful photos and videos. I am His memories.

He continued, “Don’t ever get lost, okay?”

I break down in tears. Because I know in my heart that there were a lot of times that I did. I did get lost. Sometimes, I am the one deliberately choosing to be lost.

I have chosen to be lost in my seemingly good plans instead of being part of His grand plans for me. I have chosen to be busy in the ministry instead of listening to His voice, “Stop. I don’t need your offerings. I need you.” I have chosen to be everywhere with everyone instead of sitting peacefully at His feet. I have lost so many chances to build memories with my God.

It led me to repentance.

Now, as I approach 2016, I asked the Lord, “Give me a word.”

And it was so clear when He said,

Steady.

I cringe. I draw back. Give me any word but not that. You see, I’m the type who execute plans quickly. I love ideas and I love jumping into them right away. I love moving. I hate staying. I get drain if I am in a routine that happens over and over again. I even hold a secret wrath for people who do tasks for 2 hours when I know I could have handled it by myself in 10 minutes.

I hate all the baggages that the word, “steady” carries. I hate it cause I know what God exactly means.

It means that I need to untangle the long twisted cords in my life. It means going back to some relationships and finally facing those tough conversations. It means more waiting. It means more loving. It means seeing people beyond what my human eyes can see.

It means I have to ask help from people. And God knows how I hate doing that. I try everything I can to do everything on my own. If I finally came to a point where I ask, “I need help.”  Truth be told, that’s pure humility. That’s undressing my powerful mask and letting everybody knows that I am not the Joena they thought I am. I am weak. I am fragile. I need help.

Yet I am learning the truth: Every time I ask for help, I am actually opening myself up to a relationship that will go beyond the surface. A relationship with people where I don’t have to fear that they will walk away once they discover how insecure I am inside. I am making myself vulnerable to pain in order for me to love more.

However, with all these rants, it is foolish not to embrace what God wanted me to experience.

Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good. (Psalm 34:8)

I can say with confidence that I want that. I want to taste and see that the Lord is good. I want to taste every bit of Him. I don’t want to waste another opportunity to build a sweet memory with my God.

That, friends, means one thing. I need to be steady. How can I enjoy God if I am in full swing speed? Steady.

I am posing the questions: what are the areas in my life that I need to slow down? What am I still holding too tightly? What do I need to let go?