Why do I always have to adjust for everybody and end-up saying sorry?

This week has been challenging enough.

It’s not the usual “Oh I have a pretty rough but fun week” type.

And surprise! It’s only Wednesday. It. is. only. Wednesday.

So this morning, I found myself asking God with all the strength left to me,

“God, just today, just for today… make it a light day. Please. Please..”

You know how God answered it? He surprised me with a confrontation that I’m not even ready to hear nor to face at all. How ridiculously way of answering someone’s prayer who is literally begging, right?!

So during the whole confrontation with “anonymous”, and upon listening to all the cry of his heart, here are some few thoughts that are running in my head:

Anonymous: blah blah blah blah blah

My Mind: but…

Anonymous: blah blah blah blah blah

My Mind: that’s not exactly what happened..

Anonymous: more blah blah blah blah blah

My Mind decided to talk: I’m sorry…

Anonymous: but more and more blah blah blah blah blah and blah

My Mind: Why do I always have to adjust for everybody?!

Then I know on that moment, my heart started to cry. My eyes though? They were both in great shape of control. They managed to completely block and ignore the tears. They all pushed it back to my heart. And I’m thankful for that.

Anonymous: blah blah blah blah blah

My Mind: Why do I always have to adjust for everybody and end up saying sorry?!

Then, I thought of Jesus.

I wonder if He ever felt that way when God told Him, “Hey, Son. You have to suffer for everybody.”

I wonder if He ever complain for the task that was given to Him.

I wonder if He ever cried in silence when everybody else was rejoicing.

I wonder if He ever had a thought just like mine. “Why do I always have to adjust for everybody and end up dying for people I don’t even know?!”

My mind wondered and wondered until it heard the only answer that can satisfy and heal its wound.

“I never had second thoughts of loving you. When God told me to die for you, I accepted the job not because its my job but because I want you to have the identity that is originally yours. Yes, love. I will always choose to adjust for you even if the world would hate me for it.” 

My Stubborn Mind: Why do you love me like this? Where do you get all this love? I hate it! I hate it that you’re too kind. I hate it that you choose to suffer for me. I hate it that you die on that cross! I hate it that you clearly showed me how to forgive and now I have no choice but to forgive as well. I hate it that its so hard to love people the way you love me. Why is it hard. Why.

. . . . . . . . .

My Stubborn Mind: Okay. How do I do this? Teach me.

And then, He opened my Bible and lead me to the book of Colossians,